She is there. Not forever. Things are always transcendant, always moving. But I don't really care. She's here for long enough. At least within my lifespan. Anything after that, I cannot even hope to wish for. She is quiet at first as i look at her. I look deeper. Total blackness...followed by a blinding burst of light that is focused into a vertically linear beam. Sorta like a even horizon flipped 90. I don't think i'd ever be very comfortable with one of those party animal drop dead gorgeous girls. my main weakness is insecurity. i've seen shit hit the ceiling before and i'd rather it not happen to me. eventhough, i do know that the only way to be free of this is to be free of my fear. well...we'll see. everything is screwed up right now. i am filled with so much rage. its been this way for a while. mainly because so many people are trying to determine and force my path. i don't like it. i don't just want to be independant. i am independant already. my cords have been severed from my parents. i love them yeah, but being within too close a proximity and being forced to behave in a certain way is very straining. i'd rather be by myself and with my friends..(do i have any?) my mind is seriously corrupted. i can feel the fuzz and static. its becoming physical too. the way i feel so unclean. like no matter what i do, its not gonna make it any better. and oh my god, the fear! i see everything as a repetitive action. like take a look at the typical aussie, or even them folks in singapore as well. work 5 days of the week, the remaining 2 days, they go party and get piss drunk, and then the cycle continues. or even something more fun, like going sailing on the weekends or stuff. i feel the super strong magnetic pull to just bloody run. to keep on moving so that i'm never in the same place more than once. boredom plays such a big role. i'm scared of it in everything. one of my biggest fears is that one day my gf or my wife even is gonna say, "Jeremy, you're a boring fellow...bye" I've got zero individuality. i used too...jeez i used too. repetitiveness scares me. i need constant new influxes of information.
I really like Amue. She is kind, warm-hearted, and gentle. As I imagine Amue back within the sea and that I am again here in this room, I feel amazingly calm and there is also a feeling of still being underwater. Amue specializes in fish, reefs, small bays and so forth. If you are interested in fish, she has a lot of knowledge about them. Again, her understanding of the health of the sea extends to the health of a human being. It is as little as if I had spent the day sailing or playing in the waves but I am not tired. Instead, there is that feeling you have when you have spent time with a dear friend--everything feels right.