Dreams
Sometimes I wake up from this dream. And I cry. I wish to die. I just give up all hope. All fear. All life. The dream is too big. Its too beautiful. Its so god damn wonderful. And I want. I want it all. I want my name to be linked to it. Its power. Its beauty. I cry because its so alive. I cry out of awe. If I cannot be joined with it, I'd rather die. It sounds really stupid I know. But its true. Straight from my heart. I think that if there were really things like destiny or divine missons or life trials, this would be mine. I can't even describe it in words. Its a vision. My vision. Of something that I must create. The only thing that I must give to the world by the end of my time. A vision of power, beauty and awe. Something that reminds us that we are not just chemical signals or evolutionary accidents. Inspiration perhaps. I know that I am the least likely of all to be inspiratory.
But its not from me or of me. Its from 'that big dude up there'. Its the only thing in this world that will make me happy. To rebuild a Camelot. The illusive utopia. A place where people are free to be people. To be accepted for what they are. To relax the paradigmal view on life. Sometimes it appears to me as a structure. A building or something that inspires people. Not inspires them to be something. But it inspires them to live. To the fullest of their ability. Something that people will look at and say.."wow". Its like when we see an airplane taking off. I think its one of the most beautiful things in the world. The way we as humans put together metal bits and pieces. Fabricate a bit here and there. Give an idea life. Take something out of the impossible and make it real. Pour in a few thousand gallons of fuel and thenhurl a piece of metal heavier than 30 elephants into the air...and it stays up.
I feel almost ecstatic when I see the plane taxiing out on the runway. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for its moment. Its lined up. Gets its clearance. Then boom! its accelerates from 0 to 180 knots in 15 seconds and gracefully lifts off. All that screaming power. For a few seconds after take off, its fighting like a bitch with gravity. The plane shudders sometimes under the stress. But eventually, nature lets go a bit, and we're off. Yet, I digress. I was just trying to link this feeling ya know. This is sorta what it feels like. When you are standing in front of so much power. I am humbled. In the presence of so much power, I see the frailty of humans. I can see how pathetic we are. How small and insignificant.
Ironically, thats what makes us so strong. Not as one person. But as a race. The human race. And I so badly want to do something that honors that. That reminds us of who we are. It is what has been guiding me all my life. Everything I've done has been for this. The way I spent hours tinkering and engineering. Making bombs. Just to see it explode and release its tremendous power. The way I spent weeks studying computers. Studying hacking. So that I could have a sort of bodiless access to the world. To be free of restrictions and boundaries. The way I pursue the esoteric arts. In search of a glimpse of what I need. The way I talk and express myself. The way I learn languages and have dreams of travelling all over the world. The way I need so many friends and contacts. The way I read books..and people. The way my mind is pampered and tortured. Its all been, subconsciously or not, for this.
At times, the vision goes a little deeper and I see a house. The inside. Its baroque. The study section. Books. Warm light through the window. The way I see sometimes. People. Lots of them in my house. A party. I am the host. So many of them. Happy. Sometimes I see a mountain cave. Deep dark. With a cool mountain spring that has the freshest sweetest water ever tasted. Its all about a sign for peace. A great linking. A mass fusion. Its stupid to think that all people can be joined as one. I know that. War is integral for us. Yet all I see is a small place where its alright. A community perhaps? I feel it strongly around people.
Most people. When they gather. Like in shopping centres or crowded malls. I feel it growing. Its there. Its almost like when Jesus said, "When two or more gather in my name, I am there". I get depressed and very irate if I spend more than a day without "exposure" to people. I ramble...lets just see how things go.
But its not from me or of me. Its from 'that big dude up there'. Its the only thing in this world that will make me happy. To rebuild a Camelot. The illusive utopia. A place where people are free to be people. To be accepted for what they are. To relax the paradigmal view on life. Sometimes it appears to me as a structure. A building or something that inspires people. Not inspires them to be something. But it inspires them to live. To the fullest of their ability. Something that people will look at and say.."wow". Its like when we see an airplane taking off. I think its one of the most beautiful things in the world. The way we as humans put together metal bits and pieces. Fabricate a bit here and there. Give an idea life. Take something out of the impossible and make it real. Pour in a few thousand gallons of fuel and thenhurl a piece of metal heavier than 30 elephants into the air...and it stays up.
I feel almost ecstatic when I see the plane taxiing out on the runway. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for its moment. Its lined up. Gets its clearance. Then boom! its accelerates from 0 to 180 knots in 15 seconds and gracefully lifts off. All that screaming power. For a few seconds after take off, its fighting like a bitch with gravity. The plane shudders sometimes under the stress. But eventually, nature lets go a bit, and we're off. Yet, I digress. I was just trying to link this feeling ya know. This is sorta what it feels like. When you are standing in front of so much power. I am humbled. In the presence of so much power, I see the frailty of humans. I can see how pathetic we are. How small and insignificant.
Ironically, thats what makes us so strong. Not as one person. But as a race. The human race. And I so badly want to do something that honors that. That reminds us of who we are. It is what has been guiding me all my life. Everything I've done has been for this. The way I spent hours tinkering and engineering. Making bombs. Just to see it explode and release its tremendous power. The way I spent weeks studying computers. Studying hacking. So that I could have a sort of bodiless access to the world. To be free of restrictions and boundaries. The way I pursue the esoteric arts. In search of a glimpse of what I need. The way I talk and express myself. The way I learn languages and have dreams of travelling all over the world. The way I need so many friends and contacts. The way I read books..and people. The way my mind is pampered and tortured. Its all been, subconsciously or not, for this.
At times, the vision goes a little deeper and I see a house. The inside. Its baroque. The study section. Books. Warm light through the window. The way I see sometimes. People. Lots of them in my house. A party. I am the host. So many of them. Happy. Sometimes I see a mountain cave. Deep dark. With a cool mountain spring that has the freshest sweetest water ever tasted. Its all about a sign for peace. A great linking. A mass fusion. Its stupid to think that all people can be joined as one. I know that. War is integral for us. Yet all I see is a small place where its alright. A community perhaps? I feel it strongly around people.
Most people. When they gather. Like in shopping centres or crowded malls. I feel it growing. Its there. Its almost like when Jesus said, "When two or more gather in my name, I am there". I get depressed and very irate if I spend more than a day without "exposure" to people. I ramble...lets just see how things go.
posted by Jeremy at
9:13 PM
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