Well its fucking official and officially fucked. I don't mean to be vulgar, but I'm just so horribly pissed. I've 'fallen in love' with her again. Not to a high degree really..but its bad enough. Cause she is IMPOSSIBLE to fall in love with. I can feel a monster between us. Not really of course. Its more like a glass filter that changes everything nice into something that makes me want to go mad. How could I fall for my own lies? I guess this is what my father meant when he said that I can lie to everyon else but I should not lie to myself. Oh my god I really really really hate her. Do I really? nah...I'm just pissed she isn't reciprocating. I'm even more angry with MYSELF for knowing this to be a stupid and dumbass thing to do but still allowing myself to continue anyhow. Its a typical dumbass move. Bastards man!! Bloody hell! I need to externalise and counter-strike it. Okay, here it goes.
She never loved me. She used me. She is only in it for herself. Nothing is possible between us. She wants someone rich and handsome and suave. Like that dream person she is always talking about. She and I think way too differently. She's a materialistic person. While, I am not exactly spiritual, material things matter to me in a different way. She drinks. She smokes. Both of which are major NO-NO's. She's way too flirtatious and I am way too jealous. Her fear can only serve to accentuate mine. I know deep down inside that she is not the one I want. Its just because I am lonely that I crave her, the void within me needs filling. She is not. Fin. The end. Maybe there is someone else out there, maybe there isn't. Its a chance I'm willing to take.
If she is reading this, by now, she'll know that its her I'm talking about. I think she already does. I'm sorry okay? Really really sorry. But I had to do it. Its not a personal attack. I'm just saving myself. I'm a coward when it comes to you. Ciao.
She never loved me. She used me. She is only in it for herself. Nothing is possible between us. She wants someone rich and handsome and suave. Like that dream person she is always talking about. She and I think way too differently. She's a materialistic person. While, I am not exactly spiritual, material things matter to me in a different way. She drinks. She smokes. Both of which are major NO-NO's. She's way too flirtatious and I am way too jealous. Her fear can only serve to accentuate mine. I know deep down inside that she is not the one I want. Its just because I am lonely that I crave her, the void within me needs filling. She is not. Fin. The end. Maybe there is someone else out there, maybe there isn't. Its a chance I'm willing to take.
If she is reading this, by now, she'll know that its her I'm talking about. I think she already does. I'm sorry okay? Really really sorry. But I had to do it. Its not a personal attack. I'm just saving myself. I'm a coward when it comes to you. Ciao.
posted by Jeremy at
9:45 AM
3 Comments:
*HUGS* smile babe.. your not alone in this crazy bumpy ride.. everyone's being screwed over daily~ i guess.. when they don't reciprocate.. its always for the benefit for the 2 parties involved.. dun u think? if not.. it wud never get anywhere and everyone gets bummed over. aiight? *wink* you're still loved cork soaker!
i was just skipping around when i came across youre site. i instantly fell in love with your posts and then read them all. but, to get to the reason im commenting. very nice writing, and its very much the way i feel on things (you could check out my site if you wish) and also, i put some piece you wrote (fully quoted and your name+site mentioned) so i just wanted to run that by you.
thanks for letting me know there are other people who think as i do.
~buffalo soldier
gosh u are so totally not alone...not when it comes to these inter-racial kinda relationship...i've been there done that.tho my relationship's kinda different..but still..
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