I'm sorry. I really am. But by now, that word has lost all meaning hasn't it?

Oh my god! I feel so bloody sick and disgusted with myself that I feel like vomitting my insides right out. I feel like running away and just ignoring everything. I started talking to her on MSN 2 days ago. I was supposed to go to sleep at 10pm but since she came on, I stayed a while. We started talking a little. I jokingly asked her how much she loved me. She replied quite wittily, "How do you measure love?"

We got talking more and eventually, somehow, we realised that we were still quite interested with each other. I started tracing our relationship from the moment we first expressed our feelings to each other. I started this at around 12 midnight. If I had just left at that point in time, I would have gone to school tomorrow and met a girl that I loved and that loved me. But no...not me, not fucking Jeremy. The smartest, wittiest bastard on the face of this earth. I had to go on, to probe further.

I brought up the topic of her clubbing. I asked her why she said I would not have wanted to follow her. She said she danced rather lewdly with other men. Grinding, she said. Grinding? The image entered my mind like an inferno. All rational thinking stopped. I just felt. Felt..how could this lovely girl. This angel that I loved so so much grind against other men. I was like...what the hell...i started shivering in anger and disgust. her groin against theirs. their hands all over her. i swear, i know how wolverine feels when he gets pissed. I felt my hands. and all they wanted was to cause damage and destruction. i don't know if i've mentioned it before, but she and i are telepathic to a good degree. she immediately felt my change in mood and got scared. she gets scared so easily. how can anyone possibly enjoy this? i mean yeah for guys, they are getting some..but for the girls? how come so many guys like going clubbing and getting girls like that, but i don't? Am i mad? Am i sick? How could they touch my girl? I realised then also, that she was not my girl. And for that moment, I hated her. I was disgusted with her. All that I could think was, she's a slut. Drinking, smoking, entertaining men with her body and flirting with them. She calls that playing. "Oh my daddy won't let me go overseas for attachment cause he knows I'll play" . "All I'm good for is playing", "Nobody can ever love me", "Oh you don't want to know my dark side". "I'm an evil person". What the hell man...What are you trying to prove?

I didn't sleep well that night. I kept on waking up with that sinking feeling in my stomach, I kept on wishing that it had been a bad dream. But it wasn't it was as real as the pain in my heart. I don't care now. I don't want her for romantic love. I don't want her body. I just want to be her friend..but even that seems way too impossible. When she drifts, she goes far and fast. I feel so horrid because she fears me. Me? I feel like I've left her in a bad spot. I've left her not only fearing me, but fearing herself. She's so gorgeous and beautiful and full of life and full of her glorious love, but all I do is try to change her. Everytime, 3 times with the same girl. What the fuck am I playing at? It feels bloody horrible now that its gone. I've only got 1 month of school left with her. Then, chances are, if things are not mended between us, its all over. Forever. I'll never see her again. And that makes me sick to my stomach. How do you measure love? 4 hours. At 10pm she loved me. By 2am, she feared me like the devil himself. All love gained and lost within 4 hours. I'd do ANYTHING to get her back. Not as a girlfriend, just as a friend even!