Its only words..and words are all I have...

yeah yeah fucking crap, i can write, i can write beautifully, i talk well. i am good at this, good at that. big fucking deal. the things that really matter to me i screw up. i've hurt her so many times. i've hurt so many others so many times. and all i can do is be introspective about it. i can weave words into illusion. thats all. i am not real. i have no substance. i have no flesh. i hide behind my magic. using it to caress and cajole. i am a shell of a man. i speak too much. so much so that my words are losing its magic and its meaning. i say things often, not because i mean them but because i know how to use them. i know the mechanisms, i know the source of its power so i abuse it. half the time, when i speak, it is not from my source. its from my shell. i want to cause something, so i say it. i manipulate people by it. its all a game. i've lost my essence. i've told her sorry a thousand times. i charm her, then piss her off, then say sorry and get her back. a regular fucking einstein. i respect russell crowe. not because he is silent and strong. but because he is silent when it matters and when he talks, he talks from his strength and his heart. oh my god...i am sooo sorry girl. i just want to tell you i am sorry and make you believe me. the word has prolly lost all meaning from me to you. but all i want to do is hug you. i keep on thinking that i will be the one telling you that it is okay. but in reality, you are the one that has to tell me things are going to be okay. you'll never speak to me again in the same way. and i can feel that things will never ever be the same again between the two of us. on your birthday last year, the cord of our love snapped. now the very lifeline of our relationship and humanity has been broken. all because of my words. my blessing and my bane. its ripped a hole in my soul. and you won't ever read this because you fear what i say. so i'll never ever get to tell you how i really feel, but you won't believe it anyway. all hope is lost. not even magic can save it now. see folks...all i can do is write and weave dreams of flight and fancy. i must help my words regain its innocence and its power. so forgive me if i do not write here for a while.