Languid

I went for a occult workshop today. "Lattitudes to Lassitudes". God knows what it means, but I guess that was the rationale in the first place. Bloody good stuff. Paradigmal shifts, energetics, retrogressional therapies, the works. Really top notch stuff. The work done will be listed here later on when we get some good results. But holding back on all the blabber, cutting off all the nonsense, the most revealing thing I learnt, I learnt thru a girl. Emily Harton. My god!! I bloody hate her! I'd rather spend all eternity suffering in a mongolian village of hairy back gays with elephant tusks than even talk to her. She's not a looker by any standards. I guess yeah she does look OKAY, but seriously nothing more. And she talks as if this whole freaking world was made yesterday, according to her demands. She knows this and that. So much more than me! I wouldn't mind so much if she was just a inferiority complex suffering blabber, but she's right! Always! Everything she says and does and knows is correct. True to the bone. How can a 19 year old know so much. And I dare say she's even a better magi than I am. Yeah yeah, i know its never a competition, but i mean like what the hell man...

Which leads me to my crux. Throughout the entire workshop, I had the raging desire to just jump on her and screw her god damn brains out. She excited and invigorated every god damned nerve ending in my body. Every neuron synapse fired in synchrony with hers. Every move she made sent me to the edge of orgasm and back. Her voice pulsed through me igniting feelings I never even knew I had. I loathed her. I hated her to the core. I swear I do. But I wanted her more than anything.

The only thing holding me back was a strange sense of curiousity. Bloody rational scientific mind. I was totally and utterly confused. I had never ever ever ever felt like this before. And I wanted to know why. I probed every inch of her body and psyche to see what was attracting me. Was she my soul-mate? Nope. Was she wearing an aphrodisiac? Nope. Was she even attractive? Hell no! Then why!? For the life of me, I don't know. The entire 4 hours, I was like...my god...take me now, or give me her body. I realised, it wasn't mental or emotional at all. It was just a carnal desire. But why for her? I hated her right? I mean there was like 15 other drop dead blessed be women. But none of them even hit a note. Not even a twinge.

Sick..half way through during our lunch break, I made out with her. We went to the lift lobby and I kissed her, I kissed her all over...I touched her all over. She resisted a bit. But not believably. I mean for fuck-sake, she pushed me away then pulled me back when i moved away. She wanted whatever it was as much as I did. I wanted to hurt her so much. To be right inside her. It was just a desire to consume. Like a flame that isn't content on a wick anymore. I wanted the candle. The holder. The table. The house. The world. I pressed her harder and harder against the wall. She just moaned. Her nails dug even through my shirt. If there ever were vampires, I know how they felt. The only word for it is bloodlust. But I am still human and I could not put up with it anymore. It had burnt through. I dropped away from her. I hated myself.

Wiped her saliva from my lips.

"Oei...where are you going?" she called out as I went back upstairs.

I just shook my head.

"Going to leave just like that are you?" she mocked.

My god..she is such a bitch. I seldom use that word to describe a woman unless she goes over the limits to piss me off. She had. But I hated myself so much more. Never saw her again. I settled for the reason that...I hated her, because I wanted her so badly. She was one, one of my many many weaknesses. Too many to count. But still a dent in my armor. I wanted her and could never just settle for wanting her. Thats why I hated her. I hated her cause in some sick perverted way, I loved her. Loved myself. Loved the way she made me feel. Loved it all. Hated it too.