schlekt

I haven't spoken to her for almost a month now. A whole month. I think I miss her...just think. I'm not totally sure. I think of her now and then. In my mind I play out scenarios where we'd still be together. But even in my mind it just ends in darkness as I fall off to sleep. I wonder whats happening with her. I know her best friend just came back from england. I really do hope she's happy with her. My pride will forever forbid me from calling her. we'll drift apart for eternity then. I remember telling her that when i get drafted for the army, i was gonna do my best to get into officer cadet school just so that we'd go for the officer coronation ceremony together. the thought is still in my head but now its just endurance that drags me on. the momentum of a dream long lost. instead of being driven by love and higher ideals, all that moves me now is hate and anger. my own pain inspires me, pushing me to the edge of death and then drags me back again just for the fun of it. endurance outlasts hope. i've been waiting so long for that one moment. that pivotal point. that one event. that one person. that one taste. its not coming. the illusions fall and the dreams crumble with it. you are left alone and stranded, high and dry. the only thing that lets you know you're alive is the pain. the pure sweet pain that runs through every nerve of your body. worst than that is the pain that runs through your mind. the mutiny. knowing that what you are doing is bloody stupid but sticking with it because you have no other choice. knowing that you could do something better but still doing it the retarded way because you're in a strangle. the other night as i slept, i dreamt. i visited the old one again. i cried to him as i so often do. i asked him why. i told him i would have given her everything. i would have given her my world. he smirked and replied, 'yeah, your world'.i realised, my world, not her world. we come from two different worlds. worlds apart. a tale of two cities. oh how i pang for sonia and amue. people who are of my world, but i don't love romantically. why. all the people i've fallen in love with have been so similar its almost scary. at least now love is the least of my worries.