Well its fucking official and officially fucked. I don't mean to be vulgar, but I'm just so horribly pissed. I've 'fallen in love' with her again. Not to a high degree really..but its bad enough. Cause she is IMPOSSIBLE to fall in love with. I can feel a monster between us. Not really of course. Its more like a glass filter that changes everything nice into something that makes me want to go mad. How could I fall for my own lies? I guess this is what my father meant when he said that I can lie to everyon else but I should not lie to myself. Oh my god I really really really hate her. Do I really? nah...I'm just pissed she isn't reciprocating. I'm even more angry with MYSELF for knowing this to be a stupid and dumbass thing to do but still allowing myself to continue anyhow. Its a typical dumbass move. Bastards man!! Bloody hell! I need to externalise and counter-strike it. Okay, here it goes.

She never loved me. She used me. She is only in it for herself. Nothing is possible between us. She wants someone rich and handsome and suave. Like that dream person she is always talking about. She and I think way too differently. She's a materialistic person. While, I am not exactly spiritual, material things matter to me in a different way. She drinks. She smokes. Both of which are major NO-NO's. She's way too flirtatious and I am way too jealous. Her fear can only serve to accentuate mine. I know deep down inside that she is not the one I want. Its just because I am lonely that I crave her, the void within me needs filling. She is not. Fin. The end. Maybe there is someone else out there, maybe there isn't. Its a chance I'm willing to take.

If she is reading this, by now, she'll know that its her I'm talking about. I think she already does. I'm sorry okay? Really really sorry. But I had to do it. Its not a personal attack. I'm just saving myself. I'm a coward when it comes to you. Ciao.

Soaking corks.

I had this..well I am not sure if I can call her a girlfriend. But well..we were close. Pretty darn close. We were sorta like a couple and all of that. And we had our many hours logged on the phone. Even more hours going out, walking, talking, shopping, eating, watching movies and all those things. And you know...I kinda guessed she really liked me and I really liked her. But the thing that I remember most about her, the thing I like about her the most, is what she did for me once. It was just one event, but it remains strongest in my memory. Well, we were at this sorta party thing. And I was busy running around preparing food and serving and stuff, cause I was semi-host. So, I was like really busy and preoccupied. They guys all opened a bottle of champagne. And the thing that touched me the most was that she got a glass of champagne for herself, drank a little and offered it to me. I know it seems really simple and innoccuous. But it was like...she was 'taking care of me'? She recognized me. And for that moment, I felt that we had a little world of our own and we were the only 2 inhabitants and she loved me. It all seems really crappy when you think about it. But for me, it was like really really nice. I guess it might go back to my childhood cause I've seen my parents do that for each other sometimes..so that might explain it? Well anyway...yeah...that was nice, and its one of the strongest things I can remember of the time we spent together.

Well anyway, things running around in my life are getting pretty crappy. But fuck man....i mean those things are beyond my control and yet I fret over them. There are good things that happen to me and there are bad things. I've really gotta learn to see that. Well, I'll let you in on the main bad thing. My mom doesn't want to work anymore. For some people out there, I guess it may seem fine. But not here. Money is tight enough as it is and if she doesn't work...man...its gonna be tough. What makes it even worse is that she will never say straight out that she wants to quit. She will nag and bother and fuss and piss of everybody till we have to somehow come to a conclusion that something is bothering her, then find out what IS bothering her. Luckily my father is privvy to her wily ways. My father ain't no angel either though..

What else is bothering me? Exams are in a week and I haven't even touched my books. Well..touched yeah, but only to move it out of the way. I just can't feel that same impetus i had in year 1 and 2. Its just become a drag now. A bore..and I long to stretch my arms and fly. Which i guess is why i like to be a goalkeeper. Hahahaha! I'm a flipping lunatic. Catchya folks later.

Delusions of grandeur

"From the beginning of time humanity has returned to nature to connect with spirit and to seek answers to problems of the third dimension. There is something about being alone in the wilderness that brings us closer - makes us more aware - of the 4 elements - and our connection to a creational source. We go to seek truths - divine realization - just as many of the ancient prophets did in their time.

In its own way - the vision quest is an Initiation not unlike the days of the ancient mystery school teachings where one learns about themselves and the mysteries of the universe are often revealed to them. It is a time of internal transformation and renewal. Who am I? Why am I here?

In a vision quest conditions are set up that allow the soul to move beyond the illusions of the little self and enter the unity of the inner whole. It is a time of fasting - praying - and being in nature.

It is a period of solitude in which we seek an inner revelation - a vision -which grants profound meaning and direction to our life. This initiation leads to maturity and an understanding of our responsibility to ourselves, our society, our natural environment, and our soul.
Though the Vision Quest is associated with Native Americans traditions - it is practiced all over the world.

As an expression of the archetypal "Heroic Journey," the vision quest has been enacted in religious pilgrimages, mythological tales (including the story of the search for the Holy Grail), and our own daily pursuit of truth and purpose." - Crystallinks.com

I think that every man and woman needs some sort of a vision quest. A turning point from whereon, everything in their life begins to take on meaning. I think that I already know what MY vision quest is. But I am afraid to take it on. Not because it is big and scary and mystical and powerful. Quite the contrary. I don't want to take it on because it seems so menial and routine and my heart and soul rebels against it...

Raz-ma-taz

I dreamt of her again last night. It just seems to reinforce and provide the proof that her essence is no doubt present in my mind. There is a theorem in occult literature. It states that the dream world is one of the closest realms to our own physical one. Before things happen in the physical real world, they happen and are played out in the dream world. IT is also the world of our fantasies, and obviously of our dreams. The dream world is known in psychology as the gateway to something known as the collective subconscious. Whatever the fuck its known as, who can deny the power of dreams. Now, just minutes after the actual dream ended, I find myself pining for her. Its as if I have, for this moment at least, forgotten where reality stops and the dream begins. It was so nice with her hands wrapped around me like she used too, her chin on my chest as she would look up at me and talk. Hahaha, in the dream, I was piggybacking her. We saw a busker and I gave him 5 whole dollars! lol. Just trying to impress her. But also in the dream itself, I realised my fear of her and I tried running away once. But for some unknown reason, I ran back.

Baby its me, maybe I bore ya. No no, no more, cause I can't afford ya.

I don't think I'd really want her even if she wanted me again. To be totally honest, I'm scared. Scared queasy. I fear she will be more trouble than I can handle. And at any rate, I don't really think its love. Its really just loneliness. I'm lonely and so is she. Lonely romantically of course, cause friends don't count that way. My fear overrides any other visions I can peer into. There is virtually no future. The moment I think or even dare to think that there may be some kind of future, my stomach tightens in a knot and the vision if cut off. She is beautiful yeah...very beautiful. But its really not what I am looking for. I am sad cause I know that at some level I do like her a lot. But she's really not my type. I don't want to spoil things by predestining what I should be looking for, but I seriously can't see anything anymore. If we did get together, it'll be one of those gothicky dark relationships with tons of fights and violent sex or something. She's just too damn hot and outgoing and sparkly and promiscious. I'm just too different...just gotta see..