Grr.

Hehehe, proof that I may just have been dropped(maybe purposely) on the head, when I was a baby. I was at the supermarket recently, at the checkout counter. There was this woman in front of me. Yeah, she was well fit, but thats another story.

Anyway, well she dropped her keys while fumbling for her wallet. Being the gentleman that I am, I immediately reached to retrieve it and then handed it back to her with a big smile on my face. She was impressed and smiled back at me and said a warm "Thank you!"

In my head, I was thinking of something cool and charming to say. The first phrase in my mind was "No problem" but the phrase "Any time" sounded good. I ended up saying....No time.

The lady looked up at me like I was the biggest dumbass the world had ever seen. She was all like "Huh? No time?"

From cool to fool. Jeez...No time? what the hell was I thinking!! I've got a good mind to complain to child services that my parents may have abused my mentally.

The long kiss goodnight

One has to die before one can be reborn. There must be darkness to see the light. The cup must be empty before it can be filled. All metaphors that have never made more sense until now. There is a dark night before tomorrow comes.

I was wrong in saying that I changed for her. She was the flare, the light, the angel who was my guide. She wasn't the end all and be all. I was so wrong about that. She was not the destination, she was merely the door way. I suppose that due to certain things that have happened in my life, I was scared to take the first step. Someone up there must like me a little cause they sent her to give me a nice neat kick squarely on the backside to get me moving. When it came, it came. I sat there, dead. No emotion, no thought. I sat despondent, dry and hollow. I was merely awake on the surface, a gebbeth, shadow puppet. I had lost all hope. But fortunately human endurance and the desire for life outlasts hope. I looked and waited patiently for signs of life.

Slowly bit by bit, I was brought back. Resuscitated from a fall I could not stop. And to think all of this was just an action to open the doorway of my existence. I can only imagine what the existence would entail. On the way back, I was forced to make a vow. That vow I can do nothing but keep. To even think about breaking that vow would eventually mean failing in everything. So its quite a predicament.

"I am haunted by moments of enlightenment:
I see the world with perfect clarity--
All that has been and all that shall be--
Nothing is hidden from me.
But then, amid the vision, I awaken
Abandoned and forlorn,
Forsaken and alone--a lost soul
Condemned to wander forever without a home." - William Mistele

It really sounds all cliche'd and sad and dark and all, but its all the truth.

Fear

Ugh...fear is such a horrible thing. The weirdest thing about fear, is that the more you reject your fear, the more you become it. It guides you and channels you. Your entire life becomes a reflection of that fear. Say for example, you have a fear of being alone. Quite naturally, you surround yourself with tons and tons of people. Everytime you fear being alone, you reach out and grab someone. But the fear never disappears. Its like our modern medicine method of treating the symptom, but not the cause. You're gonna die feeling that fear breathing down your neck. How to cure yourself of fears? Turn around and meet it. Meet it at its source. But this is SOO much easier said than done. For a person that fears loneliness, how much god damn courage will it take to abandon all friends and live a life of solitude.

Why.

Heh, irony of ironies. I have been on a bit of a dry spell lately with writing. I am scared to write. Scared to go back in there. Inside my head. The only way to cure myself of this, is to, as Scott so beautifully put it, "Just start writing fuck down". So thats what I am doing. Writing to cure the fear of writing. I stopped writing for so long mainly because my computer crashed. But maybe thats just an excuse. The main reason I stopped writing was because I was afraid. My writings come from inside me. And inside me is a place that I don't really want to go in, especially lately. I am scared. I am wounded, and slowly my soul is bleeding out through my wound. But to go back in there. Inside me. Its too horrible for me to bear. To go inside would mean having to face me. And I know better than anyone else, that 'me', is a horrible person to face.