Anya :)

A good friend. I think a good friend is someone who you care about. Yeah, so many of us claim to. But seriously, I think its all a big game of pretend. We act nice and jolly and goody to them just so that they'll act nicely to us and make us feel good about ourselves. Okay, maybe i'm being an arse by generalising. This is what I do. Me alone, I don't know about the others. I think the only good friend I ever had was this pakistani/chinese girl whose name I can't even remember now. Its shameful really. But she was seriously, the best of the best for me. It didn't start out as friendship. At least not with that in mind. I liked her. And she liked me. Hahaha...she even wanted to breed with me. (her words exactly, she was sorta shy about the word 'sex'). In the end, we didn't work out too well for love, cause she already had a boyfriend at the time, and if she broke up with him for me, then I would not take her cause I would not be able to trust a girl who broke up with her boyfriend for someone else. Hehehe flippin wierd, but thats me. Well, yeah she was a bloody good friend after that. By the way, she's 5 years older than me. So when I met her at 16, she was 21. Don't ask....it was just that way. Why was our friendship so good? Mainly because we could be so ourselves and so at ease with each other. Its like, if she did something that annoyed me, or pissed me off, I could tell her straight. I would express my anger, and she would express her anger, and then we'd cool off and be friends again, stronger than ever. As Nowadays, I am way too tired to do that. Way to tired to forge a real friendship. If I'm pissed with someone, i just get pissed inwardly. Its takes too much time to actually heal the wound at the source. I loved the way we could shout, or scream or whatever and still know that I'd be alright. They say that guys are not supposed to be all feelings and stuff. But I think I am that way. I cannot! keep feelings inside. If something rubs me the wrong way and I keep it in, it gets to my head and causes all sorts of mental shit. So, yeah, she was real good. And I never had a friend so beautiful ever :) Ah...Anya. Thats her name. She was good. She was the only person I've ever let inside. She's the only person I've cried to. I never had to lie to her. Never had to act bigger than I was. Never had to be more. I was always just enough. But time, distance and space now seperate us. But worst than that is a rift in minds. She's got a lot more responsibility on her now. She's doing her best to start a family in Sydney, last I heard at least. She's got her studies and her work. Her boyfriend. Her parents. Her other friends. Her writing :), which is where I got my writing. Its so hard to just be yourself to everyone else. You know they're going to hit you at your weak points. So, here's to Anya for loving me at the right time, and not loving me at the right time! The best to you future love :)

21 Questions

Have you ever woken up and felt drained of life?
And felt like time just needed to stand still for a while?
Cause you were tired of moving,
Tired of lying,
Tired of playing,
Tired of giving a fuck

And for just a moment or two,
You needed to be quiet,
Stand still,
And forget everything,
Forget who you are,
Forget where you are,
Forget about everybody,And just feel...just be

You take a deep breath,
And remind yourself that you are alive
That no matter what,
You are who you are

Don't you just want to rage,
Just want to lash out and scream,
All the fucking injustice and crap piled on you,
Don't you just want to break free?
Past the lies and deception,
Past the masks and toys,
And just be you?

It doesn't fucking matter,
If you are alone or loved,
If you have money or are dirt poor,
Doesn't matter about the things you could be,
All that matters is that you are

Fuck to potential and ambition,
Cause at the very start, you are just a human

A man, a woman,
Black, white,
You are just a person,
You've got your fears,
You've got your desires,
You've got your wants and you needs

Cause at the very core,
In the Beginning, you were free
Look around,
Its just the sky above,
The earth below,
Between, the seas and the winds,
Its all yours,
You just gotta remember that you're loved

Not in that pretend love way,
The kind where you love somebody,
Just to be loved in return,
There's a love, that is truly fierce and beautiful,
Like the way a mother give her life for her child,
The way a father will toil day and night for his family,
Above all, its a love that sacrifices self for others

Sometimes you can feel it,
That fierce fire burning in your heart
Or that cool flowing water
Or that clear windy space
Or that solid nurturing environment

And you remember!
That you were born for something,
Remember that little bit of magic that links you

That links us,
That little thing thats SO small,
But its everythingIt gives back our hopes,
Our dreams, our love, our life

Then you release your breath

And you're back here,
Back on earth,
You're not tired anymore,
Your head is cleared,
And your spirit is renewed,
You remember, you must remember!

That no one controls you except Him,
And you are a beautiful wonderful creation,
Full of fire and water, wind and earth,
A magical act in itself
And you remember who you are!
Your power! your raging beauty!
You remember, you are human;

Full of weaknesses and fault,
Yet full of strength and success,
Capable of the most horrible nightmares,
As well as the most beautiful dreams,
And nothing in this universe could be greater!

Hear My Eyes

It would appear, that against perhaps in accordance to season or ritual, a great wave of malignancy has overcome Singapore. In my preferred, simple terms, tons of people in Singapore are getting sick. In general, I daresay that I can feel the so-called miasma of illness permeating through this tiny island of ours. But despite the challenge, I can also sense hope, and love. At least 3 people I know, have got pneumonia. Gerard is down with chickenpox and series after series of people are getting a bad case of the general flu. It starts with a sore throat and the sniffles and ends with a cough that last for at least a week. Pretty bad shit..and I'd know, from first hand experience. Its horrid stuff to break into spasms of cough. Now I know we're all a educated, mature bunch of folk that live in a modern scientific world, but I sure as hell am not. I'm still a kid. Perhaps I hardly look like one, but I feel like one. And my mind sure is. And my mind wanders and imagines and creates faster than lightning. To me, all of this has become some sort of lurid tippy-toe adventure. Sorta like the Neverwinter Nights plague campaign, our city is being infested by an illness.

By relaxing our tight paradigmal view on life, we began to see again, through a childs eyes. A common alleyway which maybe see as just a rubbish dump to the unsuspecting adult, will be seen to a child as a secret entrance to the alchemists lair where the mentioned alchemist was brewing potions to try to cure the illness. Or maybe it might lead to a secret order of kungfu ninja ass-kicking monks whose job it was to protect our citizens against all manner of ethereal threats. I guess thats sorta like the way I think. Because a way too often, we look, but we never see. Our eyes glazed against the inner world. Sometimes when I look at a person, I just see a person. A physical form. But sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'll actually see the person. More than that even. Their history, their feelings, their dreams, their hopes, their fears all appear so plainly. And it really helps. I don't feel all that seperate from that person anymore. A stranger a second ago, but a close friend, even a brother or a sister now. A whole lot can be achieved by just letting a paradigm go. The way which I take to school everyday. Its just a path to school one day. The next second, its a secret passage through a sacred grove.
Back to the story of the sickness in Singapore. Well first I saw people falling sick. Me first. Then Zenia, then Clarine. Just to mention a few of course. Marc's dad, marc's friend. my tenant. sham, shams gf. gerard. All of the seemingly seperate events seemed to weave together into one continous story.

A story of perhaps how an evil force was trying to grip us in its reign of terror. Now mind you, this is not the Great Evils that controls all 'em evil folk. This fellow is a minion. He's maybe a steward or a knight, not really the king. He's trying to prove his worth to the Great Evils, so that he may gain their favour. Invisible and stealthy, he works his way threading his pathway of sickness and ill-health. But he is weak and as humans, we fight back. Our arsenal of medicines and potions and charms. Herbs of healing. Potions of Relief. Chants against evil. Prayers and supplications to our gods. when we fall ill, we visit the local shaman/medicine man, who after years of study, has at least a sufficient knowledge to heal us of our illness. He uses powders and potions manufactured through secret processes. Secret processes that were coaxed through magical study out of plants, gnomes, rocks, oceans, tiny tiny silent creatures called bacteria (who life among us but in secret and can only be seen through optical devices) and sometimes even resorting to hiring lifeless drones known as viruses. All put together and integrated to help us fight an enemy that might destroy us all if just given time.
Hahaha, I'd write more but I really really need to go and sleep....till next time.

Languid

I went for a occult workshop today. "Lattitudes to Lassitudes". God knows what it means, but I guess that was the rationale in the first place. Bloody good stuff. Paradigmal shifts, energetics, retrogressional therapies, the works. Really top notch stuff. The work done will be listed here later on when we get some good results. But holding back on all the blabber, cutting off all the nonsense, the most revealing thing I learnt, I learnt thru a girl. Emily Harton. My god!! I bloody hate her! I'd rather spend all eternity suffering in a mongolian village of hairy back gays with elephant tusks than even talk to her. She's not a looker by any standards. I guess yeah she does look OKAY, but seriously nothing more. And she talks as if this whole freaking world was made yesterday, according to her demands. She knows this and that. So much more than me! I wouldn't mind so much if she was just a inferiority complex suffering blabber, but she's right! Always! Everything she says and does and knows is correct. True to the bone. How can a 19 year old know so much. And I dare say she's even a better magi than I am. Yeah yeah, i know its never a competition, but i mean like what the hell man...

Which leads me to my crux. Throughout the entire workshop, I had the raging desire to just jump on her and screw her god damn brains out. She excited and invigorated every god damned nerve ending in my body. Every neuron synapse fired in synchrony with hers. Every move she made sent me to the edge of orgasm and back. Her voice pulsed through me igniting feelings I never even knew I had. I loathed her. I hated her to the core. I swear I do. But I wanted her more than anything.

The only thing holding me back was a strange sense of curiousity. Bloody rational scientific mind. I was totally and utterly confused. I had never ever ever ever felt like this before. And I wanted to know why. I probed every inch of her body and psyche to see what was attracting me. Was she my soul-mate? Nope. Was she wearing an aphrodisiac? Nope. Was she even attractive? Hell no! Then why!? For the life of me, I don't know. The entire 4 hours, I was like...my god...take me now, or give me her body. I realised, it wasn't mental or emotional at all. It was just a carnal desire. But why for her? I hated her right? I mean there was like 15 other drop dead blessed be women. But none of them even hit a note. Not even a twinge.

Sick..half way through during our lunch break, I made out with her. We went to the lift lobby and I kissed her, I kissed her all over...I touched her all over. She resisted a bit. But not believably. I mean for fuck-sake, she pushed me away then pulled me back when i moved away. She wanted whatever it was as much as I did. I wanted to hurt her so much. To be right inside her. It was just a desire to consume. Like a flame that isn't content on a wick anymore. I wanted the candle. The holder. The table. The house. The world. I pressed her harder and harder against the wall. She just moaned. Her nails dug even through my shirt. If there ever were vampires, I know how they felt. The only word for it is bloodlust. But I am still human and I could not put up with it anymore. It had burnt through. I dropped away from her. I hated myself.

Wiped her saliva from my lips.

"Oei...where are you going?" she called out as I went back upstairs.

I just shook my head.

"Going to leave just like that are you?" she mocked.

My god..she is such a bitch. I seldom use that word to describe a woman unless she goes over the limits to piss me off. She had. But I hated myself so much more. Never saw her again. I settled for the reason that...I hated her, because I wanted her so badly. She was one, one of my many many weaknesses. Too many to count. But still a dent in my armor. I wanted her and could never just settle for wanting her. Thats why I hated her. I hated her cause in some sick perverted way, I loved her. Loved myself. Loved the way she made me feel. Loved it all. Hated it too.

Dreams

Sometimes I wake up from this dream. And I cry. I wish to die. I just give up all hope. All fear. All life. The dream is too big. Its too beautiful. Its so god damn wonderful. And I want. I want it all. I want my name to be linked to it. Its power. Its beauty. I cry because its so alive. I cry out of awe. If I cannot be joined with it, I'd rather die. It sounds really stupid I know. But its true. Straight from my heart. I think that if there were really things like destiny or divine missons or life trials, this would be mine. I can't even describe it in words. Its a vision. My vision. Of something that I must create. The only thing that I must give to the world by the end of my time. A vision of power, beauty and awe. Something that reminds us that we are not just chemical signals or evolutionary accidents. Inspiration perhaps. I know that I am the least likely of all to be inspiratory.

But its not from me or of me. Its from 'that big dude up there'. Its the only thing in this world that will make me happy. To rebuild a Camelot. The illusive utopia. A place where people are free to be people. To be accepted for what they are. To relax the paradigmal view on life. Sometimes it appears to me as a structure. A building or something that inspires people. Not inspires them to be something. But it inspires them to live. To the fullest of their ability. Something that people will look at and say.."wow". Its like when we see an airplane taking off. I think its one of the most beautiful things in the world. The way we as humans put together metal bits and pieces. Fabricate a bit here and there. Give an idea life. Take something out of the impossible and make it real. Pour in a few thousand gallons of fuel and thenhurl a piece of metal heavier than 30 elephants into the air...and it stays up.

I feel almost ecstatic when I see the plane taxiing out on the runway. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for its moment. Its lined up. Gets its clearance. Then boom! its accelerates from 0 to 180 knots in 15 seconds and gracefully lifts off. All that screaming power. For a few seconds after take off, its fighting like a bitch with gravity. The plane shudders sometimes under the stress. But eventually, nature lets go a bit, and we're off. Yet, I digress. I was just trying to link this feeling ya know. This is sorta what it feels like. When you are standing in front of so much power. I am humbled. In the presence of so much power, I see the frailty of humans. I can see how pathetic we are. How small and insignificant.

Ironically, thats what makes us so strong. Not as one person. But as a race. The human race. And I so badly want to do something that honors that. That reminds us of who we are. It is what has been guiding me all my life. Everything I've done has been for this. The way I spent hours tinkering and engineering. Making bombs. Just to see it explode and release its tremendous power. The way I spent weeks studying computers. Studying hacking. So that I could have a sort of bodiless access to the world. To be free of restrictions and boundaries. The way I pursue the esoteric arts. In search of a glimpse of what I need. The way I talk and express myself. The way I learn languages and have dreams of travelling all over the world. The way I need so many friends and contacts. The way I read books..and people. The way my mind is pampered and tortured. Its all been, subconsciously or not, for this.

At times, the vision goes a little deeper and I see a house. The inside. Its baroque. The study section. Books. Warm light through the window. The way I see sometimes. People. Lots of them in my house. A party. I am the host. So many of them. Happy. Sometimes I see a mountain cave. Deep dark. With a cool mountain spring that has the freshest sweetest water ever tasted. Its all about a sign for peace. A great linking. A mass fusion. Its stupid to think that all people can be joined as one. I know that. War is integral for us. Yet all I see is a small place where its alright. A community perhaps? I feel it strongly around people.

Most people. When they gather. Like in shopping centres or crowded malls. I feel it growing. Its there. Its almost like when Jesus said, "When two or more gather in my name, I am there". I get depressed and very irate if I spend more than a day without "exposure" to people. I ramble...lets just see how things go.